Saturday, July 03, 2021 I actually slept in, the swarm retreating sometime around 4. At about 8 I slinked out of the Nemo. I stumbled down to the lake, despair heavy in my heart. What a miserable night after such an extraordinarily gorgeous and fulfilling day. I was struck by the paradox; it captured so many elements of this hobby and this place.

By lunch time, my desperate thoughts of escape and rapid retreat had faded. I lowered the Nemo and weighted the edge with rocks. In retrospect, I was incredibly lucky this hadn’t happened before, saved only by early to bed times and windless nights.

It was hot, and for the first time I noticed smoke in the air. The sunsets and dawns had been spectacular, and I realized that, in part, the northern forest fires contributed to the twice a day bedazzlement. I swam in a foggy despair, hoping my next night would avoid the nightmare of the last. Between swims, I chased the shade around the pines, reading, relaxing, writing. I realized there wasn’t anything to find out here; I travelled all this way to realize that everything I need, everything I am looking for, I have always had. Here, I can find it within myself more easily, and I hoped to bottle it up, save it for staff meetings and traffic jams, for the interminable process of grading essays, for the mindless plodding of civilized life. Here, I can more easily find and hold my deep WHY, and with such knowledge, I can survive, like Nietzche said, any HOW.

Shepherds Pie for dinner, although I could barely stomach it with the heat that lingered. I swam just before bed, but was sure to get screen side before the swarm. I waited in abject fear, but the windless twilight and my copious rocks made the difference. I feel asleep hot but unbitten.